i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize