Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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