Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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