My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
