you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
