she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
