I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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