Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
