She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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