There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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