omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
