if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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