Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
