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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
