Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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