Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
