A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
