Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize