He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
