dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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