I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Come on in and take your pants off
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