please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
