I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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