i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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