Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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