Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
