I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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