It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
