Heybabeimwearingurpanties
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
