You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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