i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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