you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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