I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
