Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
