Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
