Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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