remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
