i can't believe i had my finger in that
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
