O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
