Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
