Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
