Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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