Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
