So drunk its hurt
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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