WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
