i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am available for nakedness
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
