I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
