I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
