God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
