Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
