Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
