I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
