you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
