I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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