He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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