it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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