I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
