is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
