so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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