I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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